My Nightmare

Twelve years ago, I was diagnosed with stage 2A breast cancer (her 2 negative, est pos, no spread to lymph glands). My tumor was 3.2 cm, which the surgeon felt was too big for a lumpectomy, so he recommended a mastectomy and sentinel lymph node biopsy .  I chose to have both breasts removed because I did not want to have reconstruction, and I also did not want to be tied to a prosthesis for the rest of my life.   Fun fact:  breast reconstruction can give you something that looks like a breast, but does not feel like a breast.  Lots of nerves are cut during a mastectomy, and I didn't want to have any body parts that I couldn't feel.

After the tumor was examined, and the Oncotype test run, it was decided that my treatment would be hormone therapy and removal of my ovaries to get rid of the estrogen that was fueling the cancer.   And so at age 45, I went through surgical menopause.  I had the the expected hot flashes and joint pain that comes with hormone therapy.  I took either tamoxifen or aromasin for 5 years after my surgery.  I saw my oncologist every six months for 5 years and then once a year after that.  He told me to come and see him if I ever had pain that lasted more than 2 weeks.

Two years after my diagnosis, I had back pain, x-rays, a bone scan and a visit to a neurologist showed that I had a herniated disc.  Two steroid injections fixed the problem, and my life went on.  When I developed back pain again in the same place in my back, my GP assumed (as did I) that my herniated disc was the problem.  She sent me to PT, gave me steroids and Diclofenac for the pain.  PT helped a lot, but my therapist was concerned that it wasn't improving fast enough.  She sent me back to my GP, who sent me to get an MRI.

I received an after hours phone call from my GP the same day I had my MRI.  She told me there were abnormal spots on my spine and that my pain was probably from a break in my sacrum.  She had already made an appointment for me with my oncologist for the next day.  This week I had a bone scan and a CT, which confirmed what everyone suspected:  my cancer is back.

There is no evidence of any other tumor, so this is not another primary cancer, this is stage 4 breast cancer.   I know treatments have improved since I was last diagnosed 12 years ago, but I am really not looking forward to this.  The worst part for me so far has been telling my kids.  My youngest was 10 when I was first diagnosed, and I remember just wanting to live long enough to see him graduate from high school.  He is in college now, but he is not ready to lose me yet.  His brother died less than 3 years ago, and he is still very fragile.

I dread telling my mother.  She just turned 80 and has spent the last 10 years or so caring for my dad who has dementia.  I know how much it hurts to lose a child, and I can't stand to put her through this.  She has already lost both of her sisters to cancer.

I worry about my husband.  His job isn't exactly stable right now, and his blood pressure was high before this whole thing started.  He has been great so far, but the past 10 years have been hard on our whole family.

I read Facebook posts from quilters who jokingly say they have reached SABLE (stash acquisition beyond life expectancy).  I am afraid I am there too now.  My quilting goals are to finish as many UFOS as I can and clean out my sewing room, so there is less for my family to do when I am gone.  I am going to declutter the rest of my house as much as I can too while I feel up to it.  I guess I am going to keep working at the quilt shop, at least for a while.  The ladies there are my friends, and I will miss them if I don't work.  The owner is a 3 time breast cancer survivor, so she knows what I am going through.

I want my blog to continue to be about quilting and sewing, but you may see cancer thrown in periodically while I deal with this.